Looking for LTR but Missing the “Love”

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I have never met a man who wasn’t in search of that special relationship called ‘true love’; many believe it is the bedrock foundation of long-term relationship (LTR) but I disagree. What most men want is long-term gratification (LTG), maybe even control, maybe even trust and commitment, especially when the steamy moments cool. Too many men expect a long-term relationship to just pop out of the box, and provide a lifetime — or at least a couple of weeks — of pure, nonstop bliss. You’ve already failed but how did that happen?

How can something that started so beautifully — or so you think in your fantasy world of La-La Land —, something you want so badly it hurts, just evaporate in a couple of days or weeks? And why, after so many failed attempts to attract Mr. Right, you still just don’t have him; you still don’t, can’t, won’t understand why ‘love’ and Mr. Right continue to elude you.

You may say, I’m ready and I’m waiting for the right man to come along so that we can fall in love, set up house, and sail off into the romantic sunset of domestic bliss. But the reality is that you are literally sabotaging any potential relationship, and you have no clue how you are doing it. “What am I doing wrong?” or “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why are men so fake?” are just a couple of the questions I hear when discussing failed relationships.

You may not want to hear this but you may be your relationships’ worst enemy; you may think you’re ready for a solid meaningful relationship but you’re not. You are totally unprepared for relationship and that’s why they fail. Yes, you have to prepare yourself for relationship. Surprised?

Yes, you sure are! And you might be even more surprised to learn that I have identified a number of surefire ways to stymie any hope of nurturing a new relationship and growing it into a meaningful commitment. Let’s look at a couple of biggies.

You discard the opportunity before you fully explore it. So you meet someone on social media or in some other meetup, and that someone approaches you and wants to continue the conversation; he may ask to get to know you in a chat. How many times have you simply dropped the ball and closed the door in his face. How often have you asked that useless, idiotic question, “How old are you,” or by asking for a photo in the first lines of a chat? You shown your shallowness and superficiality. By the end of the chat, you will have found every idiotic excuse why the relationship — or any relationship —, is ruled out. You think you’re just not interested or not in the mood. He’s not good enough. But are YOU?

You don’t even give it a chance, less of a chance than an ice cube in hell, and before you know it, you’ve alienated him.

You need to cultivate interest if you are to have a chance at relationship; when I talk about nurturing a new contact I mean you have to genuinely show that you care about him, selflessly, treat him like a seedling that needs to be tended to, watered and fed like anything else in order to grow. Even if you’re not into chat or discovery through email, why not give it a go anyway, and at least make a new friend? Just like in a face-to-face physical meetup, you don’t have to dive right into something initially romantic or intimate — too much too fast and too soon is a common killer —, there’s bound to be something to pique your interest and hold your attention; if not, which is very rare, you can always call a time-out, and cut the interaction short if you absolutely must. You can tell a lot about him by treating him with respect and interest, later by observing his reactions and responses in the many types of settings that will arise. Lasting impressions frequently change after first impressions.

You insist on staying in your personal comfort zone. You may be seriously limiting yourself and your relationship opportunities if you insist on staying in your personal comfort zone, whether that be in terms of age group, personal, usually limited interests, proximity and location, belief or spiritual traditions, etc. Too many men seem to gravitate towards the routine, familiar, and safe like, for example, the same groups, clubs, places, etc., and that can become a serious obstacle to finding relationship candidates; leaving the nest of familiarity and the fact of having been taken for granted will open the gates to a great deal of self-discovery and new possibilities.

Try something new. Do you enjoy hiking? Ha! You probably don’t even know. Have you ever even hiked at all? Well, find a group and go hiking! Do you want to learn more about spirituality and how it is a foundation for self-awakening and exploration and discovery of another man? Join Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ and sign up for a program like Mascul-IN-Touch℠  or Mascul-IN-Timacy℠. Let what you are seeking find you naturally and effortlessly; you’ll meet other interesting men without having to be introduced or spend your free time surfing the net or in clubs, or worse, becoming addicted to social media. There’s a saying that teaches that stepping outside of our protective circles makes them broader and fuller of potential; every new relationship is a discovery and the start of new experiences, learning, and meaning.

Finding the Beloved is a journey you have to travel alone. If you are constantly in the company of safe friends and acquaintances, you may appear to be a herd animal to an observer. Moreover, if you are constantly chattering in a group, a potential relationship may not be so extravert to feel comfortable crashing your fake party. Opportunity lost. Social media tends to be one-on-one, and escape is easier if you are faint of heart, but you’ll never capture anyone’s interest if you’re never alone, available, and accessible. Go to happy hour alone once in a while. Strike up an impromptu conversation with someone or welcome an attempt by someone to start a conversation, and participate in it. Be accessible and be interesting.

Thinking of a vacation? If you go with your family or a group of friends, accept the fact that your options are severely limited; admittedly traveling alone may feel uncomfortable at first, but if you are accessible, you won’t be alone for long. 90% of everyone else on the cruise or tour is there for the same reasons as you are: to get away from family, friends, co-workers, routine, the familiar and the safe, and to meet new people and make new experiences. Profit by the opportunities.

I’m not suggesting that you throw all caution to the winds, but it can be very empowering to navigate the unexpected waters of traveling on your own. It will force you to be social and puts you in charge of your own adventures. Rest and relaxation are nice but after a couple of days of rest and relaxation, anyone alive will begin to crave human interaction and social activity. Sightseeing, going on an excursion, or just going on a discovery daytrip with a group of intrepid travelers is a good way to start the conversation.

You don’t have to go on a cruise to meet new people. There are plenty of meetups where you can mingle with people with any variety of interests right in your own area. All you have to do is look around.

Is your job a major obstacle to your personal life?  Too many men work too much; sometimes 60 to 70 hours a week.  That’s not dedication, it’s addiction, and it’s inhuman and leaves no room for recreation or relationship. Besides, if you ‘love’ your job that much and think your work is fun, you may need therapy or another job. If a job leaves little time for anything else, including finding a romantic relationship, you really need to re-assess your situation. One fact remains true: it is highly unlikely that you will find a partner or relationship at your desk or staring into your electronic device or at your computer screen.

You are constantly too busy looking for a partner or a relationship, and missing it when it’s there. The mystic poet Rūmī had it right when he advised, “what you are seeking is seeking you.” If you are personally, emotionally, and spiritually prepared, you will be confident that what you are looking for will find you, and this is particularly true when it comes to relationship and commitment. First of all, you have to prepare yourself, so when the expected guest arrives, he has a pleasant place to stay. You must also be able to focus and be aware and mindful in order to counteract the harmful effects of the bad habit of being too obviously looking but not seeing. You can avoid a lot of unpleasantness and suffering if you simply give your daily experiences — including the extraordinary ones — the single-minded attention they deserve.

Your sense of urgency can get the best of you when you meet interesting new people in any setting. You may unconsciously be telegraphing everything going on in your mind, and giving away that you are not focused on what is immediately in front of you. Wandering eyes and mind signal superficiality and shallowness. Thinking throughout the conversation, “Is he single? Is that a wedding ring I see?” distracts from the moment; being in the moment, being mindful while being aware keeps you on course and allows the relationship potential to unfold without unnecessary distractions tripping things up. Real relationship cannot be forced; very often true engagement happens when you stop looking so desperately for it.

You’re looking for love in the wrong places. Generally, if you’re looking in the wrong places, the chances are very high that you’ll find the wrong people. Serious, committed, focused people; that is, people for whom you should be looking, are not in the gym to find love, they’re there to work out. You may think that you’re chances will be good by going to a party or a bar. Sure, your chances may be pretty good for a hook up but admit it, most of the other people there are there for the same misguided reason. Or worse still, they’re not interested in relationship, just in a quicky or a one-nighter. Puts a damper on any realistic expectations, doesn’t it?

Grounded men love to walk the dog in the park or browse the library or gallery. A potential partner may be sitting right next to you on the train reading a book, or he likes to shop at Trader Joe’s, presenting you with a valuable opening. He might be next door to your mom’s, alone on a ladder cleaning gutters, another opening.  Love might be in line in front of you ordering at Starbuck’s; tall latte, just what you like, too. Share a table. True relationship frequently hides in plain sight, and often surfaces where and when you least expect it.

I really don’t dance but I fuck like a bunny. So you just sit there and think how bored you are. Real interesting, right? They’re just lining up to get on your nonexistent dance card. Right. So you just sit there or stand there leaning on the bar and wait, and wait, until last call. And then you go home. Alone. You’re self-defeating strategy is to hide out in the open. Unfortunately, it’s working. I have found that some of the best encounters happen on the dance floor where body language, facial expressions (particularly smiles), and having fun set the mood rather than hesitant, furtive conversations, or trying too hard to look mysteriously interesting. Get up and dance, with or without a partner; let your hips do the talking; your booty doesn’t lie. The great dancer-choreographer Martha Graham once said, “Dance is the hidden language of the soul of the body.” Let your soul do the talking.

In Homoerotic Yogic Tantra℠ I teach that the mūlādhāra (मूलाधार) cakra situated in the pelvic floor is the grounding center and reservoir of the  subtle energies, including those associated with pleasure, sensuality, and joy. You learn to exercise, tone, and exploit the powers of the pelvis in Mascul-IN-Touch℠, and in Mascul-IN-Timacy℠, you use those skills with your Tāntric Lover in homoerotic rituals and practices, involving awareness, arousal, stimulation, and sacred touch and dance.

Most men expect instant connection; long-term relationship straight out of the box. No reasonable man would admit that that is a realistic expectation but they still believe it will happen! Some couples say that for them, it was love at first sight. Rubbish! They can look at you straight-faced and say it without blinking because they’re in authentic relationship now, and they forgot about all the work that went into it. The truth is, love never happens instantly; infatuation does but not love. The dating services and the movie industry want us to believe in instant love, connection magic, happy ever after, etc. and while those are sweet fantasies and sell romantic movies and soppy novels, it’s not exactly reality. Connection takes a bit of work and a lot of TLC maintenance, so it’s important to move slowly forward and let the flavors and fragrances of reciprocal attraction and resonance blend together naturally and safely.

Why do men overlook shared grounding and go straight for the prize, prematurely? His holiness the Dalai Lama makes a powerful statement that relates well to this topic: “Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries, without them humanity cannot survive.” Unfortunately, western cultural conditioning, stereotypes, and social scripts do not provide a man with the wherewithal or the resources for connection with other men in deeper places or experiences that nourish the masculine soul.

Authentic relationship, engagement, commitment, surrender should come to us via shared acts of compassion; compassion is acting for the good of another. Your intrinsic and inherent masculine goodness is what naturally drives your conscience and your actions, unless society sets obstacles. How do you want to be involved with others? What are your feelings towards other creatures? Do you respond to an urge to help, teach, defend others? Or are you a slave to social or political agendas or partisan policy? Are you a man who feels called to a simpler life, to practicing noble personal and social ethics and values? Or do you spend your Saturdays on the couch eating junk food and guzzling beer, watching others taking action on Netflix or some porn channel.

Authentic relationship can frequently be found in places and opportunities where sensitivity and compassion can find expression.

Is it true that men are in relationship only for the sex. Well, I really have to admit that a large majority of men are purely and simply, well, not much more than dogs. I say that with a twinge of guilt because I am a dog lover, and I think that a man can learn a hell of a lot about commitment and dedication simply be being with a canine companion. But there is a misguided popular cliché that dogs don’t discriminate and are kind of, well, sleezy. Maybe all dogs aren’t that way but we do know many men are.

Cultural conditioning, stereotypes, and social scripts have enabled men to become cliché parodies of masculinity and maleness, and most men do nothing to improve their image. A man is encouraged to try to impress other men in the pack that he has reproductive prowess, a bigger dick, more cum, and more staying power that others should envy. After all, men don’t have emotions or if they do, they shouldn’t show them. Men have to be strong and never show any effeminate gentleness or cooperation. Men have to be aggressive and competitive. Right? Wrong! All that’s downright and fundamentally wrong! It’s toxic cultural conditioning at work doing its worst!

Sure, as human beings we want to satisfy our physical needs and urges, and we frequently look for ways of feeling good without the hassle of love or commitments. I think that’s one of the problems, one of the obstacles that prevents a man from surrendering to relationship.

It’s no secret that when most homoerotic men start seeking, the whole experience starts out with physical attraction and sex; if the sex is good, maybe, just maybe he’ll look a bit deeper into the possibilities. But really, how often does that happen? The typical man thinks sex first, and maybe he’ll think about love later. But the tragic effect of instant gratification, one night stands, and restroom hand-jobs is instant objectification; the partner loses all humanity and becomes an object. Can you really love an object? The unfortunate answer might be Yes but that’s the wrong answer.

It may seem like last year’s holiday fruitcake but it does appear that waiting to have sex is quite often the key to a lasting connection. When a man learns to be aware of and to respect the process of his physical urges and drives, his emotions and feelings, and when discerns what he is seeking, why, and what he values and wants, he can practice restraint and allow his urges, desires, and longings to settle and balance out rather than to build up uncontolledly to explosive dimensions. Eros, not sex, becomes a constructive creative element of the integrated story. Instant gratification, objectification of another man, and unawareness of one’s self is like picking up a great book, reading the first couple of pages, and skipping ahead several chapters to get to the final chapter; that approach will ruin even the best book plot.

When you become aware of yourself and who and what you are, you put yourself in a more favorable position to stop self-defeating behaviors that hijack your efforts and your relationships. Rūmī had it perfectly right, “what you seek is seeking you,” turn on the porch lights and what you most long for just might come knocking on your door.

Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.

(Simon & Garfunkel – The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy))

Notes:

[1] Believe it or not, Sanskrit has more than 90 words for the English word ‘love.’ Here are just a couple of examples to show how Sanskrit distinguishes this ephemeral emotion:

• स्नेह (Sneha): Love characterized by affection, kindness, tenderness; ex. maternal love for a child.
• काम (Kama): Love characterized by erotic or physical desire; ex. the instructions in the Kama Sutra.
• अनुरक्ति (Anurakti): Love characterized by passion or attachment.
• रति (Rati): Love characterized by physical, sexual delight, pleasure, or desire. (This word originally meant to enjoy or delight in something or someone).
• प्रिय (Priya): Love characterized by fondness, devotion, attachment.
• भक्ति (Bhakti): Love characterized by worship, faithfulness, loyalty.

It would be very helpful and generous if you were to leave a comment about your insights and thoughts inspired by today’s text. Please use the Comment feature below to leave your comment/remarks for us to read and reflect on.

Dāka Karuṇā T. (William)
दाक करुणा तान्त्रिक

ॐ शान्तिः शान्तिः शान्तिः ॥
Oṃ śānti, śānti, śāntiḥ ||
Peace to you in body, heart-mind, and spirit!

Of course, if you have any questions or need personal guidance, please contact me.

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